Death

Birth and death are part of the process of life. Everyone must die some time or other. We all know these are facts, but when a loved one dies we are overcome with grief.

What is grief and how does one deal with it?
Grief is a perfectly natural response when we lose someone we love. It is the process through which a person comes to terms with the loss of a loved one. It is important to grieve however there is no easy way to deal with grief.

During the grieving process we go through a whole range of emotions, however we are all unique and there is no specific length of time or order in which we experience these emotions. Each person deals with grief in his/her own unique way. The various stages that we go through in for us to heal and move forward are as follows (however not everyone goes through all the stages)

SHOCK AND DISBELIEF
This is the first reaction - you cannot believe it has happened. Even when a terminally ill person dies, when the moment of death comes, it is still feeling a sense of shock. One finds it difficult to absorb news of the death.

DENIAL
We may deny that the death has happened. It is as if we want to avoid the pain of the loss by not accepting the reality that someone we love is dead.

ANGER
Feelings of anger often directed to the deceased – with typical thoughts of “Why did you leave?” – or we may project our anger at other people in the form of blaming them for the death.

GUILT
We may feel guilty things we did or didn’t do, or how we behaved towards the person while still alive. Or feel guilty that we are alive when the one we loved it dead - this type of guilt is often accompanied by thoughts of “I wish it had been me”.

LONGING
We may feel intense longing for the person who has died.

DEPRESSION
This is particularly common after losing a loved one. We feel a great sense of loss, emptiness and despair. Suicidal thoughts are common at this stage.

ACCEPTANCE
When we finally come to accept what happened and feel a sense of peace and realization of things we cannot change. Full acceptance seems to come in the second year after the first anniversary of certain events e.g. the deceased’s birthday, Christmas.

How do we cope with the process of mourning and get on with our lives?

• Participate in cultural/religious ceremonies: Whether it be a wake, funeral or other cultural rites. Participating will give a sense of closure.
• Discuss questions that you may have about faith with your religious leader
• Seek support from family, friends or others who have been through the same experience. Join a support group (Parents, siblings and grandparents who have lost a child can join the Compassionate Friends Support Group. Phone 011 440 6322 for the telephone number of your local branch)
• Seek professional counselling: If the grief is too intense or too prolonged talk to seek help from a counsellor. Also, it is often easier to talk to someone outside the family about your feelings.

It is important to realize we can overcome grief and once again live full and happy lives again!

Often we don’t know what to do or say to someone who is grieving. Some helpful suggestions are:

• You needn’t worry about what to say – Merely say “I’m sorry” and give a kiss or a hug. Your presence shows that you care.
• Don’t question them about the death but let them tell you about it if they feel the need to talk about it.
• Let them talk as much as they need to – allow them to express their feelings.
• Let them cry – it’s a release.
• Acknowledge that you understand that they are hurting.
• Be there to listen when they want to talk.
• Talk about the departed.
• Don’t say things like “Its Gods will”, “You’ll get over it in time”, “Pull yourself together”. Such statements seem callous and uncaring.
• Although we usually comfort the bereaved at the time of the death, it is actually after the funeral that the reality strikes them and it is then that they need out comfort and support.